banana bread disaster

you know when you have made something a million times (ok, 5) but it always turns out well and then the one time you are going to make it for someone else, it's craps out on you? yes? me too. all the time.

a couple weeks ago, i decided to make banana bread for a friend. i followed the normal recipe, which calls for oat flour. i hadn't had oat flour the last 5 times i've made it and just used regular all purpose flour (are you horrified?). it turned out amazing. best banana bread you've ever had (no, really. it was awesome). this time, i had oat flour (i even grinded it down myself. that's how pioneer woman i was). i mixed up the batter, poured it in the pan, and 30 min later, i was greeted with a sad, flat piece of banana mush. it tasted good but it looked clinically depressed.

help me, i'm sad :(

it made me rethink my culinary prowess. it's a turning point. so for the next few weeks, my goals is to try new recipes, practice my technique, and probably gain 10 lbs. no, i mean, make super healthy and delicious meals that don't look sad at all. they'll look excited and invigorated. well, i'll just try to make my banana bread and see if i can pull that together. baby steps.

here's the recipe if you'd like to try along with me (note: feel free to replace with regular flour. i have made the cookie version with oat flour before and it's turned out well. just try not to use too much banana -- hence, banana mush). good luck! (another note: after re-reading the recipe, i realized i didn't cook it long enough so maybe i should just read directions? and maybe i should get tested for salmonella?) ok, good luck!

• 1 cup(s) of raw sugar
• 1 tbsp. of butter (regular or nondairy)
• 1 cup(s) of mashed over ripe bananas (2 or 3)
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp. of real vanilla extract
• 1 cup(s) of oat flour
• 3/4 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. of salt
• 1/2 cup(s) of semisweet chocolate chips

Steps

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and mix well.
3. Cut a piece of parchment paper to fit the bottom of a loaf pan.
4. Put it in the bottom of the pan and spray it with cooking spray.
5. Pour in the batter and cover it loosely with foil.
6. Bake for 30 minutes.
7. Remove foil, then bake for another 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out almost clean (moist crumbs are fine).
8. Cool completely, then slice and serve.

recipe credit: bethenny frankel (www.bethenny.com)

mary kay calling...

about one month ago, i received a card from someone i've never met. upon opening it, i discovered an actual handwritten note to welcome me to the neighborhood (nevermind that this person doesn't actually live in my neighborhood) and in the card was a business card. a mary kay business card.

i thought nothing of it until 2 weeks ago when i received a phone call....to my house phone (how did she get my number?)...from this same woman asking if i wanted to schedule a time for her to come by. luckily, my little nugget cried that very instant (clearly my baby can sense when i need him) and i had to run. well, she called back (lucky me) and being tired and, therefore confused, i somehow agreed to let her swing by.

i've never purchased or even used a mary kay product. this is because i associate it with old women. very, very old women. wait a minute. why was she calling me?

our blessed appointment day arrived and upon entering the house, she insisted on making small talk...mainly asking how big my baby was, the details of childbirth, and other horrifying and inappropriate topics (i'll spare you). as though i did not already regret agreeing to this appointment, now i was being assaulted with her awkward barrage of questions.

she set her timer on her iphone (apparently they are kind enough to only take 15 minutes of your time or maybe it was that i was only lucky enough to have 15 minutes. who knows?) anyway, she conducted a brief demo of scrubbing lotions and moisturizers for my hands. i don't think i've ever spent so much time caring for my hands. poor, neglected hands. i never realized they needed that much attention.

shortly before my 15 minutes expired, she left me with a sample, a coupon, and a catalog of all the other mary kay products i would probably not purchase. and by "probably not," i mean definitely not (although, to her credit, my hands have never been softer).  before leaving, she let me know that she would call me next week to follow up. how can i tell her i'm too young for mary kay products?  isn't it obvious that i'm so young and vibrant? i mean look at me....wait, maybe i should brush my hair first.

say whaaaaa?

let me preface this post by saying that i promise this blog won't transform and be completely about me being a mom and all the amazingly intelligent and advanced things my baby does. promise.

ok, now that we've settled that, let me get on with this baby-related post. when i discovered i was pregnant, i had no idea how my life was to change. no, i totally knew i was going to have a baby and that it would be hard (refer to previous post about teen mom marathons). what i really mean is that i had no idea how complete strangers would feel comfortable saying and asking you just about anything. it's like pregancy/new mom tourette's only it impacts people who see a pregnant woman/new mom. 

with the help of some mommy friends, i've compiled an abbreviated list of what you should never ever say to an expectant/new mom. and for the record, i'm pretty sure i've said these things. my apologies.

1. your belly looks big/small. when i first told people i was pregnant, it was a relief. finally, people knew the real reason i was gaining weight (other than that i had been eating french fries every week). but as my belly grew, i'd get random comments in the elevator, grocery store, on the street. at first it was, "when are you due? oh really? you look so small." i generally appreciated this. however, sometimes i wondered if my baby was growing properly and i also wondered why, if i looked so small, my pants felt so tight. then as i was closer to my due date i would hear "oh you're going to drop any second" and, to be fair, i was but i wasn't really interested in people taking note of it.

2.  how much weight did you put on? when has a woman ever wanted to freely provide this information? pretty sure it's never. it's a touchy subject and it doesn't seem like a typical question that you would normally ask anyone anyway but for some reason people feel this is ok when it comes to pregnant woman/new moms. maybe it's to marvel at how amazing you look (which i'm sure is the case) but it basically feels like you're about to be nominated for the biggest loser. so i beg of you. please. just don't ask. unless you want to be kicked in the teeth. but that said, how the hell did j.simpson gain that much weight? seriously, how much weight did she put on?

3. your baby is so big/small. (disclaimer: i don't think anyone has said my baby is small but my friends with smaller babies feel the same way. only reverse. ok. let's continue...) my baby was a healthy weight. and his head was a healthy circumference. and since he's my baby, i know all of these things. so it takes every ounce of self control to not pounce when someone feels the need to point that out to me. the same way i wouldn't point out how small someone's ant baby is, i don't expect others to highlight the fact that i have a panda baby. a cute, snuggly panda baby who, if he gets really hungry, may eat that little ant baby for a snack. panda baby can't be controlled. so please don't feel the need to express your thoughts on the size of a baby. we're fully aware. we made them.

beware!

4. will you/do you breastfeed? ah, the great debate that is really no one's business. i could go on about this question but i'll do my best to keep it short. for me, it started when i was 6 months pregnant and the checkout girl at trader joe's asked me i planned to breastfeed. yes, that happened. it continued from there through my hospital stay and most recently at a mom's group/play date. when i responded that i had stopped, that mom decided to let me know that there were "worse parenting decisions i could make" ah, yes. thank you for your support, fellow mom. i hope you don't choke on all that self-righteousness.

5. maybe your baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper. i think this is a stranger's way of asking if you could please shut your baby up.  or maybe they're trying to be helpful. but unless you have a baby, you don't realize that, as a parent, you already go through this checklist in your mind each and every time your baby cries. let's give moms some credit. it's not as though i was ever like, "hungry? no, that can't be it. babies don't eat, dummy." or  "dirty diaper? you mean, i have to change those things?" so yeah, maybe my baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper...or maybe my baby wants you to stop asking me so many questions.

6. our dog is just like having a baby. yes, you are right, dogs are exactly like babies. you know, except for the fact that babies are humans. and they wake up every hour and need you to hold them and feed them constantly. no, really, it's constant. you don't put their food in a bowl or let them out to relieve themselves. and again, let us not forget they are humans. the next time you feel the urge to say something like this to a expectant/new mom, how about you also pass along the name of your veterinarian. that baby is going to need to see a doctor sooner or later so i'm sure she'll appreciate it.

i can promise you that every expectant or new mom will encounter this at some point. it's really unavoidable. but hopefully you'll remember this list and the next time you have a conversation with expectant/new mom,  you'll ask "how did j. simpson gain so much weight?" no,  don't ask that. because no one knows.

dear jcrew....

....you are killing me.

last week, i went to jcrew to treat myself to a few things (and pick up a smart looking blazer for the hubs). i walked out spending more than i intended but feeling very satisfied. then this week came around and i realized i had to pay my jcrew bill. horror.

i paid it and two days later i get an email for a jcrew offer for 25% purchases $150 or more. do you ever feel like if you don't buy something you're almost missing out on a great deal? no? well, that is how i justify everything. so whilst i continue my internal debate as to whether or not i really need any more clothes, here's a run-down of what i'd like to make its way into my closet.....i wonder if i can use the discount multiple times???

sale ends sunday (september 30th). enter STYLE25 for online orders. happy shopping!

1. stadium cloth boulevard trench, $325

2. collection cashmere polka-dot sweater, $268

3. everly cap toe wool pumps, $268

4. collection lace-trim blouse, $225

5. crystal bow cuff, $85

6. no. 2 pencil skirt in double-serge, $130 (retro jade on sale for $79.99)

7. cabochan fan earrings, $75

boom chica boom

as you may have noticed (or not), i have been absent from the blogosphere for about a year. mainly, i was busy growing a human and watching back to back episodes of teen mom in shock and horror as i prepared for motherhood.  so just as we have all come to expect of me, i continue to be on trend. having babies is very hot right now, per every major hollywood actress participating in the baby boom.

this is january jones. but  people mistake us for one another all the time.  it's so annoying.

i also managed a move to a new house while 7 months pregnant. i wish i could take full credit but there was much delegating involved. and since then, we've been furnishing/decorating the baby and raising a house. no. that can't be right.

the new digs

anyway, we have lots of catching up to do.

ba-nanas

i tend to watch the evening news but where i get most of my information comes from primarily three shows -- the today show, E! and people.com. i trust matt lauer, i think giuliana tells me what i need to know, and who are kidding, i am always wondering "who wore it best?"

you may venture to guess that politics and international affairs are not among my favorite topics...unless, of course, you are referring to the royal wedding. but, i'm no dummy. i realize that some people (read: most) are concerned that we are in the midst of a debt ceiling crisis and, here in washington, all the buzz is about the debt ceiling debate on the hill as we approach impending doom and economic collapse. i get it. it's awful. and people (read: me) are tired of hearing about it. just fix it, congress. i don't care who does it. just fix it.

i have more important things to worry about....for example, how am i going to raise my own debt ceiling so that i can partake in rachel zoe's new line. that's right. another "celebrity" is coming out with their own fashion line. i know, i was skeptical too. let's just say that if you've previously sold your products on QVC, chances are i'm not your demographic. so imagine my surprise when i was on an all day shopping adventure with my mom (these tend to last a minimum of 8 hours and she constantly complains that i don't let her stop for food), and i see rachel zoe's new line at my beloved neimans. well, i wasn't that surprised. i read about it on people.com.

i needed to investigate further and make a thoughtful, well-researched decision on her line.

the first two items, were available in the store (also available on piperlime.com. pre-order now!) so i tried them  on -- leopard print blouse and cream poncho.

1. the leopard print blouse, very on trend for the fall, was tres chic. so bravo, ms. zoe. i want this piece. unfortunately, i'm not willing to spend $300 for it. who do you think you are? dvf?
2. the cream poncho, i wanted to love. i wanted to. i'm not sure it would be a wise investment, seeing as it made me look 54 months pregnant. but it was soft and comfortable and makes for instant bedding, which is very appealing since we were in hour 4 of the shopping adventure and i would have welcomed a nap. 

these next three outfits --- to use rachel's own words --- i die. long lean camel slacks, creamy blouse, luxurious fur jacket, military jacket, dark rinse jeans, camel poncho... yes, please. i'll take one of each. note: this poncho is the same as the creamy one pictured above. i just love/hate it. the only piece they had in the store was the military jacket which i tried on and loved. but not $595 loved. the neimans rep informed me that her line was selling out online and that they just received this shipment in the store. i suppose if the $595 military jacket sells out, then i'll just have to live with the regret. as good as it did look on me (if i do say so myself).

finally, this black jacket, also available on neimans.com. sadly, not in the store. in the image online, it appears that this is almost a tweed with hints of metallic. i don't remember how much it is so you'll have to actually go to the website and search for yourself. i'm not here to spoon feed all this to you. it looks as though the fit is similar to the military jacket above so i'll make an educated guess that i would also be in l-o-v-e with this.

there you have it. i may rely on my top 3 "news" shows for my headlines but i don't mind doing the dirty work and digging up the facts on my own.  

all of this to say that if congress could differentiate between the staple piece and an overpriced military jacket, maybe we wouldn't be in any kind of spending crisis at all. 

warmest regards america,

mj

more than meets the eye....

several months ago, i decided that i would attempt to run. those who know me, know that i hate running. i ran a 10 miler a couple years ago but just to put things in perspective, i only trained to run 5 miles. (yes, i thought i'd just wing the other 5 miles, mainly because i couldn't bring myself to run 10 miles unless i absolutely had to...like during the actual race). needless to say, it was painful and the only reason i was able to finish was because i feared the shame of being picked up by the bus (the "bus" picks us runners who are too slow to finish the race in the time allotted....apparently, they don't keep the streets closed all day for the race. who knew?!) after the race, feeling accomplished and high on endorphins, i remember turning to my friend and asking if she thought i should run the army 10-miler later that fall. without hesitation, she said, "no."

ok, so you have some background....anyway, a few months ago, prior to my hawaii trip, i thought, "i'll give this another go." maybe i was more in shape than i was a few years ago, or maybe there is no truth to "muscle memory" because, running wasn't bad. i started by just adding 1 mile to my daily workouts, then 2, then 3...and then i was doing about 4-5 miles, 5 days a week.  this went on for a while and then i noticed my toenails were looking a little ragged....then i started to feel soreness in my heel....then part of my toenail looked like it was going to commit suicide. so i did what any sane person would do...i got fitted for new running shoes. retail therapy works for everything else, why not for some tired old feet, right?

when the pretty new shoes didn't seem to trick my feet into feeling healthy, i scaled back, mixed up my workouts.  but the pain just got worse. i thought about going to the doctor but decided i'd self-medicate (afterall, i WAS bio pre-med in undergrad....for 3 semesters). when that didn't work, i finally went to the doctor.

my doctor is possibly, the funniest person i've ever met in the medical field. our conversation went a little like this:
doctor: we're going to take a sample of your toenail and test it for fungus.
me: (gasp) are you sure it's not just nail trauma? where would i get fungus?!
doctor: the gym, nail salon....?
me: well, it can't be the gym because i'm never barefoot there. maybe the nail salon?! gross.
doctor: yeah, but you'll probably go back, won't you?
me: probably.
doctor: anyway, let's hope it's fungus. fungus i can treat. so "fingers crossed." [taking the sample] this is the grossest thing i've seen.
me: oh it can't be the grossest.
doctor: i may not be able to eat lunch.
me: well you have a few hours until lunch.
doctor: actually, i might need to take the rest of the afternoon off.

he took the sample and gave me my xray results -- bone spur + plantar faciitis. basically, my heel bone has gone country western as it has decided to grow itself a fancy little spur (extra bone) and my plantar tissue is inflammed (read: angry). the doctor put me in this "orthodic"(aka a bandage that accentuated my arch), and prescribed an anti-inflammatory that i later discovered is commonly dispensed to more senior patients with arthritis. awesome. i spent the next month competing with the older gentlemen at my gym for the recumbent bike (the only cardio exercise my doctor would allow me to do)...and when not at the gym, i think i baked cookies every week. it was a gluttonous month.

this week i went back for my month check-up. this time the conversation went like this:

doctor: how's the pain?
me: not much better. and my bandage smells. let's toss it.
doctor: [tosses the bandage in the trash and misses about 3 times...that must have been embarrassing]. ok, so we'll try something new this time. we're going to do a cortisone shot so first let's send you to the whirlpool.

i go off the whirlpool and dip by feet. had i known i was going to get a pedicure that day, i would have brought my nail polish. back in the exam room, the doctor administers the cortisone shot, during which i cover my eyes and just repeat "oh my god" over and over again. meanwhile the doctor is trying to ask me what my plans are for the weekend and get my mind off the fact that there's been a needle in my foot for the past 10 seconds. i ignore him and just keep repeating "oh my god". it finally ends, he extracts the needle and tells me i did "awesome"...i think we need to baseline our definitions of awesome.

doctor: [peering over at my jcrew sandals] so, let's have an honest conversation about your footwear.
me: you think my shoes are made of plywood?
doctor: most likely.
me: ok, what would you ideally like me to be wearing?
doctor: sneakers.
me: no, i mean what would you like me to be wearing EVERYWHERE.
doctor: sneakers.
me: absolutely not.
[awkward pause]
me: okay okay. truthfully, i wear sneakers to the gym. that's it. and i understand that you would like me to wear my sneakers everywhere but i'd be lying to your face if i said that i would do that. my goal is to avoid surgery but what can we do to give this foot a fighting chance of healing w/o my having to wear sneakers into the office. because sneakers in the office, that won't fly. lots of dirty looks.
doctor: don't you work from home?
me: irrelevant. what about a boot? that way you know i'm not wearing shoes you would not approve of. and i know i'm not rocking a commuter look to work.
doctor: ok, so a boot. that works for me. are you sure?
me: yes, let's do it. a boot can't be that bad.
doctor: ok, i also need you to sleep in this night sling
me: wait, what?

i'll spare you the rest of the convo but it was dramatic. we laughed, we cried, and in the end, i left with two brand new pieces of footwear...

my jimmy choo day boot (they're not jimmy choos but i like to pretend that i wear them with such style that it confuses people)

and my night time transformer boot (let's hope this boot doesn't come to life because i think it could do some damage)

maybe pretty new sneakers couldn't convince my foot to heal but perhaps all it needs is some tough (ugly boot) love. stay tuned....and wish me luck!