so i took the plunge and after months (yes, months) of debating whether or not to spray tan, i finally did it.
gone are the days of the tanning bed. now that my premature wrinkles and fine lines are starting to surface, it's time to get serious (honestly, what happened? how is it that you go from 21 to feeling like you look like 40 overnight? and i'm not talking about jennifer aniston 40 because that is just ridiculous and fantastic and beyond the realm of possibility in my world.) anyway, yes, spray tanning. so i interviewed friends, read about it online, researched tips and horror stories, and finally thought it was time. i marched over to the tanning salon, filled out my quiz that told me what level of tan i apparently can handle, and was convinced to somehow try to the ultra new, mega awesome spray tan that promised no signs of orange. and hell, i even invested in the gel to "amplify" my tan.
i carefully listened to the girl (who was probably 21, damn her) explain each of the 4 tanning positions i was to take. i practiced the "bear claw" to ensure that my hands were tanned properly and after feverishly rubbing lotion into my cuticles, i was ready.
there i was waiting for the spray machine, holding my breath so as to not inhale the toxic fumes (i'm assuming they're toxic but then again, if they're going onto my skin, they can't be that bad, right? please?). not knowing what to expect, i held my breath and held my breath, all the while wondering, am i getting sprayed right now? is the mist so fine i can't feel it? ok, maybe i can breathe for a minute. and just then, just as i took in a nice big breath of oxygen...SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAY. uh oh, i wasn't ready! ok hurry, up, get it together. BEAR CLAWS! btw - this machine even dried you off. great, right? no guess work or wondering if you just rubbed off your $35 tan. i leave the salon and think, i'm not tan, this sucks. but over the course of the night, my skin started to glow more and more.
then i woke up in the a.m.
i slowly opened my eyes, threw my legs over the bed and looked down at them. my first thought. "omg, i'm orange." now i realize i'm not a "regular tanner" but my guess is that that is not the first reaction i should be going for. i make my way to the bathroom to put in my contacts and as i start to wash my hands, i notice that on the side, i have what looks like the beginnings of a michael jackson skin disorder (flashback to the neutrogena self tanner incident of 2003). what the hell? i did the bear claw, i flexed my arm to the side, i did everything as instructed. i stood in the bathroom re-enacting the bear claw and i believe i discovered my fatal flaw. i flexed too much! i OVER bear clawed. they never said that was possible but leave it to me to discover that it, in fact, IS possible.
it's not all bad, my face looks great. i look like a bronze goddess...or so i think. i mean i could look like i have a big orange gobstopper head. who knows?
so as i sit here and wonder if i look more like the lady from something about mary or kim kardishian, i know one thing for certain – i can’t wait to do it again (after practicing the bear claw in my bathroom many times i think i've mastered it. besides, who doesn't love a challenge?) tanorexia, here i come.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
if the dress fits...
so the wedding is officially five months away.
the save the dates have been sent, the cake has been selected, and we've completed 2 weeks of marriage prep.
some good news first, i did not have to hand address the envelopes for the save the dates (hooray). i successfully figured out how to create labels...well success is a relative term. it's more along the lines of "despite the valiant efforts of MS Word to sabotage me". why is it that i don't have a personal assistant or intern in my life to help me with these things? when do i become THAT successful? sighhhhh. ok, in any case, i'm just so relieved they've been been sent...and even more excited that i have another 100 of them in my house (so, the quantities came in 100, 250, 500 and because i had to mail out over 100 of them, i had to order 250. hence, the 100 save the date roommates with whom i'm currently sharing my place).
next, the cake. we've picked out two yummy flavors and i'm hoping that the coloring turns out. it's kind of disconcerting when the baker says, "we'll try our best to get it that color"...doesn't that kind of alarm anyone else? as in, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't but in the end it's not our problem, lady. what if i said that at my workplace? "listen, maybe it'll get done, maybe it won't. that's just the risk we're going to have to take." i'll have to try out that line the next time i want to get fired. in any case, i have my fingers crossed that little old woman at the bakery will get it right. let us pray....
ooh, what a great transition to the marriage prep. this is where i have to deliver some bad news. apparently, our group is a "trust tree"...at least that is what my fiance keeps insisting...so i cannot share the awesome stories i have about these classes. but do not fret. i'll write about it in my tell all book in 15-20 years (there has to be some kind of trust tree expiration date, right?) so really stay tuned...
alright alright, let's move on. my dress is here! a month early! so why am i so frightened to pick it up? ok, a couple reasons -- 1) what if it doesn't fit? a few months ago, i made the error of ordering a size down. why is it that there is this pressure to be heidi klum? ok so maybe that's just me but she's gorgeous, right? so yes, i ordered a size down and i have nightmares that even if by some miracle of god (afterall, i have been attending church, i should be in his good graces at this point) i do fit into it, will i be able to sit down in it? imagine this, i get into the dress, look completely slammin', take some photos, and bend down to slide my shoes on (which also arrived this week and are ridiculous. i'm in love) and rrrriiiiip. oh as i write this i get that yucky drop in the pit of my stomach. i will need to be praying harder in church. and walking faster on the treadmill. actually, praying while i'm walking at super speed on the treadmill. ok, reason 2) there is no reason number 2. reason 1 trumps any other reason i could think of. well, all this thinking about exercising is making me hungry. hmmm, when's lunch?
the save the dates have been sent, the cake has been selected, and we've completed 2 weeks of marriage prep.
some good news first, i did not have to hand address the envelopes for the save the dates (hooray). i successfully figured out how to create labels...well success is a relative term. it's more along the lines of "despite the valiant efforts of MS Word to sabotage me". why is it that i don't have a personal assistant or intern in my life to help me with these things? when do i become THAT successful? sighhhhh. ok, in any case, i'm just so relieved they've been been sent...and even more excited that i have another 100 of them in my house (so, the quantities came in 100, 250, 500 and because i had to mail out over 100 of them, i had to order 250. hence, the 100 save the date roommates with whom i'm currently sharing my place).
next, the cake. we've picked out two yummy flavors and i'm hoping that the coloring turns out. it's kind of disconcerting when the baker says, "we'll try our best to get it that color"...doesn't that kind of alarm anyone else? as in, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't but in the end it's not our problem, lady. what if i said that at my workplace? "listen, maybe it'll get done, maybe it won't. that's just the risk we're going to have to take." i'll have to try out that line the next time i want to get fired. in any case, i have my fingers crossed that little old woman at the bakery will get it right. let us pray....
ooh, what a great transition to the marriage prep. this is where i have to deliver some bad news. apparently, our group is a "trust tree"...at least that is what my fiance keeps insisting...so i cannot share the awesome stories i have about these classes. but do not fret. i'll write about it in my tell all book in 15-20 years (there has to be some kind of trust tree expiration date, right?) so really stay tuned...
alright alright, let's move on. my dress is here! a month early! so why am i so frightened to pick it up? ok, a couple reasons -- 1) what if it doesn't fit? a few months ago, i made the error of ordering a size down. why is it that there is this pressure to be heidi klum? ok so maybe that's just me but she's gorgeous, right? so yes, i ordered a size down and i have nightmares that even if by some miracle of god (afterall, i have been attending church, i should be in his good graces at this point) i do fit into it, will i be able to sit down in it? imagine this, i get into the dress, look completely slammin', take some photos, and bend down to slide my shoes on (which also arrived this week and are ridiculous. i'm in love) and rrrriiiiip. oh as i write this i get that yucky drop in the pit of my stomach. i will need to be praying harder in church. and walking faster on the treadmill. actually, praying while i'm walking at super speed on the treadmill. ok, reason 2) there is no reason number 2. reason 1 trumps any other reason i could think of. well, all this thinking about exercising is making me hungry. hmmm, when's lunch?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
let them eat cake!
hello! it's my first blog (so much pressure). i figured that my first week should start with something about me...as will probably my second, third, fourth blog and so on.
with my wedding coming up in september, there are a few big related things to discuss this week.
first, it's save the date time. they've arrived! hooray. but now comes the task of addressing all of them. hand addressing the engagement party invites was a mistake...not to be repeated. but as i say this, i have a sinking feeling that i will in fact be handwriting those save the date beauties. this is what happens when you still have your college printer from 10 years ago. god, college was 10 years ago? that's depressing.
on a related note, i'd like to go on the record and say that i do not approve of the save the date acronym which is so prominently used in the wedding world ...brace yourself....STD. that is awful isn't it? i'd rather just spell out the whole thing. it's worth it. i'm ashamed i had to even write it (on my first blog, too!) let's pretend it didn't happen.
next up is marriage prep class. for a non-catholic (and someone who really doesn't have a firm religious affiliation), this is a big deal. six weeks of classes. yeah, six weeks. i have to say, i'm a little nervous. i don't know a whole lot and am a little weary of getting into the whole religion thing. i mean, i'm not ready. i don't have all the facts. what if they ask me about jesus? (yes i'm imagining a round robin of jesus questions) what if we have to share our favorite passage or something? i think the hardest part of tonight will be the introductions when i basically have to announce to the group that i'm not catholic...i'm picturing this moment as when everything goes black and there is one spotlight in my face followed by a choir singing something ominous. [gulp] stay tuned.
lastly, i'm excited to say that the part of the planning phase i've looked forward to the most has arrived. cake tasting! (forgive me dress shopping, you were my favorite too). so yes, this weekend, i will be "sampling" sweet treats...which brings to mind a couple questions -- how big are my samples? will they give us cake to take home? why did i order my dress a size smaller? i hope the cake is delicious because let's be honest, that's the best part of a wedding right? i mean aside from the music and drinks and blessed union. ah, let them eat cake!
with my wedding coming up in september, there are a few big related things to discuss this week.
first, it's save the date time. they've arrived! hooray. but now comes the task of addressing all of them. hand addressing the engagement party invites was a mistake...not to be repeated. but as i say this, i have a sinking feeling that i will in fact be handwriting those save the date beauties. this is what happens when you still have your college printer from 10 years ago. god, college was 10 years ago? that's depressing.
on a related note, i'd like to go on the record and say that i do not approve of the save the date acronym which is so prominently used in the wedding world ...brace yourself....STD. that is awful isn't it? i'd rather just spell out the whole thing. it's worth it. i'm ashamed i had to even write it (on my first blog, too!) let's pretend it didn't happen.
next up is marriage prep class. for a non-catholic (and someone who really doesn't have a firm religious affiliation), this is a big deal. six weeks of classes. yeah, six weeks. i have to say, i'm a little nervous. i don't know a whole lot and am a little weary of getting into the whole religion thing. i mean, i'm not ready. i don't have all the facts. what if they ask me about jesus? (yes i'm imagining a round robin of jesus questions) what if we have to share our favorite passage or something? i think the hardest part of tonight will be the introductions when i basically have to announce to the group that i'm not catholic...i'm picturing this moment as when everything goes black and there is one spotlight in my face followed by a choir singing something ominous. [gulp] stay tuned.
lastly, i'm excited to say that the part of the planning phase i've looked forward to the most has arrived. cake tasting! (forgive me dress shopping, you were my favorite too). so yes, this weekend, i will be "sampling" sweet treats...which brings to mind a couple questions -- how big are my samples? will they give us cake to take home? why did i order my dress a size smaller? i hope the cake is delicious because let's be honest, that's the best part of a wedding right? i mean aside from the music and drinks and blessed union. ah, let them eat cake!
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