orange bear claws

so i took the plunge and after months (yes, months) of debating whether or not to spray tan, i finally did it.

gone are the days of the tanning bed. now that my premature wrinkles and fine lines are starting to surface, it's time to get serious (honestly, what happened? how is it that you go from 21 to feeling like you look like 40 overnight? and i'm not talking about jennifer aniston 40 because that is just ridiculous and fantastic and beyond the realm of possibility in my world.) anyway, yes, spray tanning. so i interviewed friends, read about it online, researched tips and horror stories, and finally thought it was time. i marched over to the tanning salon, filled out my quiz that told me what level of tan i apparently can handle, and was convinced to somehow try to the ultra new, mega awesome spray tan that promised no signs of orange. and hell, i even invested in the gel to "amplify" my tan.

i carefully listened to the girl (who was probably 21, damn her) explain each of the 4 tanning positions i was to take. i practiced the "bear claw" to ensure that my hands were tanned properly and after feverishly rubbing lotion into my cuticles, i was ready.

there i was waiting for the spray machine, holding my breath so as to not inhale the toxic fumes (i'm assuming they're toxic but then again, if they're going onto my skin, they can't be that bad, right? please?). not knowing what to expect, i held my breath and held my breath, all the while wondering, am i getting sprayed right now? is the mist so fine i can't feel it? ok, maybe i can breathe for a minute. and just then, just as i took in a nice big breath of oxygen...SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAY. uh oh, i wasn't ready! ok hurry, up, get it together. BEAR CLAWS! btw - this machine even dried you off. great, right? no guess work or wondering if you just rubbed off your $35 tan. i leave the salon and think, i'm not tan, this sucks. but over the course of the night, my skin started to glow more and more.

then i woke up in the a.m.

i slowly opened my eyes, threw my legs over the bed and looked down at them. my first thought. "omg, i'm orange." now i realize i'm not a "regular tanner" but my guess is that that is not the first reaction i should be going for. i make my way to the bathroom to put in my contacts and as i start to wash my hands, i notice that on the side, i have what looks like the beginnings of a michael jackson skin disorder (flashback to the neutrogena self tanner incident of 2003). what the hell? i did the bear claw, i flexed my arm to the side, i did everything as instructed. i stood in the bathroom re-enacting the bear claw and i believe i discovered my fatal flaw. i flexed too much! i OVER bear clawed. they never said that was possible but leave it to me to discover that it, in fact, IS possible.

it's not all bad, my face looks great. i look like a bronze goddess...or so i think. i mean i could look like i have a big orange gobstopper head. who knows?

so as i sit here and wonder if i look more like the lady from something about mary or kim kardishian, i know one thing for certain – i can’t wait to do it again (after practicing the bear claw in my bathroom many times i think i've mastered it. besides, who doesn't love a challenge?) tanorexia, here i come.