banana bread disaster

you know when you have made something a million times (ok, 5) but it always turns out well and then the one time you are going to make it for someone else, it's craps out on you? yes? me too. all the time.

a couple weeks ago, i decided to make banana bread for a friend. i followed the normal recipe, which calls for oat flour. i hadn't had oat flour the last 5 times i've made it and just used regular all purpose flour (are you horrified?). it turned out amazing. best banana bread you've ever had (no, really. it was awesome). this time, i had oat flour (i even grinded it down myself. that's how pioneer woman i was). i mixed up the batter, poured it in the pan, and 30 min later, i was greeted with a sad, flat piece of banana mush. it tasted good but it looked clinically depressed.

help me, i'm sad :(

it made me rethink my culinary prowess. it's a turning point. so for the next few weeks, my goals is to try new recipes, practice my technique, and probably gain 10 lbs. no, i mean, make super healthy and delicious meals that don't look sad at all. they'll look excited and invigorated. well, i'll just try to make my banana bread and see if i can pull that together. baby steps.

here's the recipe if you'd like to try along with me (note: feel free to replace with regular flour. i have made the cookie version with oat flour before and it's turned out well. just try not to use too much banana -- hence, banana mush). good luck! (another note: after re-reading the recipe, i realized i didn't cook it long enough so maybe i should just read directions? and maybe i should get tested for salmonella?) ok, good luck!

• 1 cup(s) of raw sugar
• 1 tbsp. of butter (regular or nondairy)
• 1 cup(s) of mashed over ripe bananas (2 or 3)
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp. of real vanilla extract
• 1 cup(s) of oat flour
• 3/4 tsp. of baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. of baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. of salt
• 1/2 cup(s) of semisweet chocolate chips

Steps

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and mix well.
3. Cut a piece of parchment paper to fit the bottom of a loaf pan.
4. Put it in the bottom of the pan and spray it with cooking spray.
5. Pour in the batter and cover it loosely with foil.
6. Bake for 30 minutes.
7. Remove foil, then bake for another 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out almost clean (moist crumbs are fine).
8. Cool completely, then slice and serve.

recipe credit: bethenny frankel (www.bethenny.com)

mary kay calling...

about one month ago, i received a card from someone i've never met. upon opening it, i discovered an actual handwritten note to welcome me to the neighborhood (nevermind that this person doesn't actually live in my neighborhood) and in the card was a business card. a mary kay business card.

i thought nothing of it until 2 weeks ago when i received a phone call....to my house phone (how did she get my number?)...from this same woman asking if i wanted to schedule a time for her to come by. luckily, my little nugget cried that very instant (clearly my baby can sense when i need him) and i had to run. well, she called back (lucky me) and being tired and, therefore confused, i somehow agreed to let her swing by.

i've never purchased or even used a mary kay product. this is because i associate it with old women. very, very old women. wait a minute. why was she calling me?

our blessed appointment day arrived and upon entering the house, she insisted on making small talk...mainly asking how big my baby was, the details of childbirth, and other horrifying and inappropriate topics (i'll spare you). as though i did not already regret agreeing to this appointment, now i was being assaulted with her awkward barrage of questions.

she set her timer on her iphone (apparently they are kind enough to only take 15 minutes of your time or maybe it was that i was only lucky enough to have 15 minutes. who knows?) anyway, she conducted a brief demo of scrubbing lotions and moisturizers for my hands. i don't think i've ever spent so much time caring for my hands. poor, neglected hands. i never realized they needed that much attention.

shortly before my 15 minutes expired, she left me with a sample, a coupon, and a catalog of all the other mary kay products i would probably not purchase. and by "probably not," i mean definitely not (although, to her credit, my hands have never been softer).  before leaving, she let me know that she would call me next week to follow up. how can i tell her i'm too young for mary kay products?  isn't it obvious that i'm so young and vibrant? i mean look at me....wait, maybe i should brush my hair first.

say whaaaaa?

let me preface this post by saying that i promise this blog won't transform and be completely about me being a mom and all the amazingly intelligent and advanced things my baby does. promise.

ok, now that we've settled that, let me get on with this baby-related post. when i discovered i was pregnant, i had no idea how my life was to change. no, i totally knew i was going to have a baby and that it would be hard (refer to previous post about teen mom marathons). what i really mean is that i had no idea how complete strangers would feel comfortable saying and asking you just about anything. it's like pregancy/new mom tourette's only it impacts people who see a pregnant woman/new mom. 

with the help of some mommy friends, i've compiled an abbreviated list of what you should never ever say to an expectant/new mom. and for the record, i'm pretty sure i've said these things. my apologies.

1. your belly looks big/small. when i first told people i was pregnant, it was a relief. finally, people knew the real reason i was gaining weight (other than that i had been eating french fries every week). but as my belly grew, i'd get random comments in the elevator, grocery store, on the street. at first it was, "when are you due? oh really? you look so small." i generally appreciated this. however, sometimes i wondered if my baby was growing properly and i also wondered why, if i looked so small, my pants felt so tight. then as i was closer to my due date i would hear "oh you're going to drop any second" and, to be fair, i was but i wasn't really interested in people taking note of it.

2.  how much weight did you put on? when has a woman ever wanted to freely provide this information? pretty sure it's never. it's a touchy subject and it doesn't seem like a typical question that you would normally ask anyone anyway but for some reason people feel this is ok when it comes to pregnant woman/new moms. maybe it's to marvel at how amazing you look (which i'm sure is the case) but it basically feels like you're about to be nominated for the biggest loser. so i beg of you. please. just don't ask. unless you want to be kicked in the teeth. but that said, how the hell did j.simpson gain that much weight? seriously, how much weight did she put on?

3. your baby is so big/small. (disclaimer: i don't think anyone has said my baby is small but my friends with smaller babies feel the same way. only reverse. ok. let's continue...) my baby was a healthy weight. and his head was a healthy circumference. and since he's my baby, i know all of these things. so it takes every ounce of self control to not pounce when someone feels the need to point that out to me. the same way i wouldn't point out how small someone's ant baby is, i don't expect others to highlight the fact that i have a panda baby. a cute, snuggly panda baby who, if he gets really hungry, may eat that little ant baby for a snack. panda baby can't be controlled. so please don't feel the need to express your thoughts on the size of a baby. we're fully aware. we made them.

beware!

4. will you/do you breastfeed? ah, the great debate that is really no one's business. i could go on about this question but i'll do my best to keep it short. for me, it started when i was 6 months pregnant and the checkout girl at trader joe's asked me i planned to breastfeed. yes, that happened. it continued from there through my hospital stay and most recently at a mom's group/play date. when i responded that i had stopped, that mom decided to let me know that there were "worse parenting decisions i could make" ah, yes. thank you for your support, fellow mom. i hope you don't choke on all that self-righteousness.

5. maybe your baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper. i think this is a stranger's way of asking if you could please shut your baby up.  or maybe they're trying to be helpful. but unless you have a baby, you don't realize that, as a parent, you already go through this checklist in your mind each and every time your baby cries. let's give moms some credit. it's not as though i was ever like, "hungry? no, that can't be it. babies don't eat, dummy." or  "dirty diaper? you mean, i have to change those things?" so yeah, maybe my baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper...or maybe my baby wants you to stop asking me so many questions.

6. our dog is just like having a baby. yes, you are right, dogs are exactly like babies. you know, except for the fact that babies are humans. and they wake up every hour and need you to hold them and feed them constantly. no, really, it's constant. you don't put their food in a bowl or let them out to relieve themselves. and again, let us not forget they are humans. the next time you feel the urge to say something like this to a expectant/new mom, how about you also pass along the name of your veterinarian. that baby is going to need to see a doctor sooner or later so i'm sure she'll appreciate it.

i can promise you that every expectant or new mom will encounter this at some point. it's really unavoidable. but hopefully you'll remember this list and the next time you have a conversation with expectant/new mom,  you'll ask "how did j. simpson gain so much weight?" no,  don't ask that. because no one knows.