ok, now that we've settled that, let me get on with this baby-related post. when i discovered i was pregnant, i had no idea how my life was to change. no, i totally knew i was going to have a baby and that it would be hard (refer to previous post about teen mom marathons). what i really mean is that i had no idea how complete strangers would feel comfortable saying and asking you just about anything. it's like pregancy/new mom tourette's only it impacts people who see a pregnant woman/new mom.
with the help of some mommy friends, i've compiled an abbreviated list of what you should never ever say to an expectant/new mom. and for the record, i'm pretty sure i've said these things. my apologies.
1. your belly looks big/small. when i first told people i was pregnant, it was a relief. finally, people knew the real reason i was gaining weight (other than that i had been eating french fries every week). but as my belly grew, i'd get random comments in the elevator, grocery store, on the street. at first it was, "when are you due? oh really? you look so small." i generally appreciated this. however, sometimes i wondered if my baby was growing properly and i also wondered why, if i looked so small, my pants felt so tight. then as i was closer to my due date i would hear "oh you're going to drop any second" and, to be fair, i was but i wasn't really interested in people taking note of it.
2. how much weight did you put on? when has a woman ever wanted to freely provide this information? pretty sure it's never. it's a touchy subject and it doesn't seem like a typical question that you would normally ask anyone anyway but for some reason people feel this is ok when it comes to pregnant woman/new moms. maybe it's to marvel at how amazing you look (which i'm sure is the case) but it basically feels like you're about to be nominated for the biggest loser. so i beg of you. please. just don't ask. unless you want to be kicked in the teeth. but that said, how the hell did j.simpson gain that much weight? seriously, how much weight did she put on?
3. your baby is so big/small. (disclaimer: i don't think anyone has said my baby is small but my friends with smaller babies feel the same way. only reverse. ok. let's continue...) my baby was a healthy weight. and his head was a healthy circumference. and since he's my baby, i know all of these things. so it takes every ounce of self control to not pounce when someone feels the need to point that out to me. the same way i wouldn't point out how small someone's ant baby is, i don't expect others to highlight the fact that i have a panda baby. a cute, snuggly panda baby who, if he gets really hungry, may eat that little ant baby for a snack. panda baby can't be controlled. so please don't feel the need to express your thoughts on the size of a baby. we're fully aware. we made them.
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4. will you/do you breastfeed? ah, the great debate that is really no one's business. i could go on about this question but i'll do my best to keep it short. for me, it started when i was 6 months pregnant and the checkout girl at trader joe's asked me i planned to breastfeed. yes, that happened. it continued from there through my hospital stay and most recently at a mom's group/play date. when i responded that i had stopped, that mom decided to let me know that there were "worse parenting decisions i could make" ah, yes. thank you for your support, fellow mom. i hope you don't choke on all that self-righteousness.
5. maybe your baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper. i think this is a stranger's way of asking if you could please shut your baby up. or maybe they're trying to be helpful. but unless you have a baby, you don't realize that, as a parent, you already go through this checklist in your mind each and every time your baby cries. let's give moms some credit. it's not as though i was ever like, "hungry? no, that can't be it. babies don't eat, dummy." or "dirty diaper? you mean, i have to change those things?" so yeah, maybe my baby is hungry/tired/hot/has a dirty diaper...or maybe my baby wants you to stop asking me so many questions.
6. our dog is just like having a baby. yes, you are right, dogs are exactly like babies. you know, except for the fact that babies are humans. and they wake up every hour and need you to hold them and feed them constantly. no, really, it's constant. you don't put their food in a bowl or let them out to relieve themselves. and again, let us not forget they are humans. the next time you feel the urge to say something like this to a expectant/new mom, how about you also pass along the name of your veterinarian. that baby is going to need to see a doctor sooner or later so i'm sure she'll appreciate it.
i can promise you that every expectant or new mom will encounter this at some point. it's really unavoidable. but hopefully you'll remember this list and the next time you have a conversation with expectant/new mom, you'll ask "how did j. simpson gain so much weight?" no, don't ask that. because no one knows.
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