it slices, it dices

so, today i chopped my finger. no, i didn't chop it off but i chopped riiiiight into it.

the morning started off pretty well. i went down to the social security office to change my name to my new married last name. it was surprisingly easy (i'm sure the dmv trip will more than make up that).

i went down there armed with my application already filled out, my marriage certificate in hand (omg, yes, it arrived!), and my passport. i walked in, took a number, and read my book while i waited (see, i was totally prepared....too bad the book is annoying and there's no way i'll finish it in 4 days. i'll explain later). they called my number and i went in while the woman there processed my application. i must have looked like a puppy because there i was with the biggest smile on my face and practially slobbering on myself. i told the woman that this was super exciting. i mean, people will finally be able to pronounce my name....oh and i'll feel very married. she then proceeded to tell me about her daughter who is my age and how she wondered if her daughter would ever get married. then it was just weird.

ok, the chopped finger. i decided to try this chickpea salad sandwich when i got back (which turned out pretty yums but perhaps had too much onion so that will need to be drastically reduced next time....seriously, i can still smell my own onion breath. way way way tooooo much onion). anyway, the recipe called for fresh lemon.  i went to chop the lemon in half annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd instead i chopped my finger. i mean, it was not a little slice. it was CHOPPED. ok, my finger didn't come off but there was a lot of blood. AND i had to take advil. i'm a wimp. in any case, it's pretty fitting considering my last blog was all about my rice glob disaster. the only difference is that this time, i stabbed myself.  alright, it was slightly less violent than that but it felt like attempted murder (on myself). anyway, i'm healing nicely, which is the most important part of the story....that and i'm wondering if i have any business in a kitchen or around sharp objects. but now when it's my turn tomorrow to talk about what i'm thankful for, i can say, i'm thankful for my finger being intact and having a husband who apparently sharpens his kitchen knives quite often.

alright, let me explain this boring book i'm reading. i've just joined a book club (yay!) only i put off reading this book and the book club is meeting next week....and omg, my book is due back to the library in 4 days. hence, having to carry it around with me and read it whenever i have a free minute. the worst part is that (aside from my brother calling me a golden girl when i told him this story..yes i have a library card. that doesn't not mean i'm an old lady) the book is boring. i don't even care what happens next. i'm debating if i should just read the last paragraph.  i mean, i've read everything else in the past week but i can't. read. this. book. i mean i even re-read stories on people.com (ok, i mainly looked at the pictures. stop judging).  that's the boring book story. who knows, maybe it'll pick up? books can completley pick up after page 150, right? yeah, wish me luck.

sucky book.

ok, one last thing. tomorrow is thanksgiving and i want to wish everyone a wonderful turkey day. i hope it is free of lemon-related (or, really, any citrus-related) bloodshed and snoozer books! enjoy your food coma.

if you can't stand the heat...

as i get older, i'm coming to realize that there's a lot of things that people don't tell you. or maybe they did and i just wasn't listening (this is actually more likely). i grew up with a mom who loves to cook. LOVES. she calls me every night and talks me through whatever foodnetwork show she may be watching (it's usually barefoot contessa, in case you're wondering). i don't mind at all because i love ina garten (that's the contessa herself). but the conversation always turns to one main question from my mom...."what are you making for dinner?"

when i first moved out on my own, i was always cooking. i loved having my own kitchen and cooking tools. i loved trying out new recipes. it was all so magical and new. so when my mom and i used to have the "what are you making for dinner?" conversation we both always had something to contribute. eventually the novelty wore off. i have a handful of recipes that i make and have, for the most part, "mastered". even so, i still considered myself as someone who loves to cook.

then i met my husband. he enjoys cooking and is good at it...probably because he's more meticulous than i am and doesn't give up on a recipe if it has more than 5 ingredients. seriously, who has the attention span to deal with 20+ ingredients?  by comparison, i'm an amateur. i mean, i know how to boil water, cook eggs, make toast. and, like i said, i have a handful of recipes that i enjoy making and turn out quite well (if i do say so myself). but my "what are you making for dinner?" conversations with my mom have evolved to "are you making a sandwich for dinner?" or "are you walking to whole foods for dinner?"poor poor disappointed mom. she still goes on about some amazing dish she's making (perhaps to inspire me...lead by example, as they say) but, i know one day, she won't even bother asking me "what are you making for dinner?"

but maybe what my mom doesn't realize is that it's not so much that i'm not inspired as it is my skills are rapidly unraveling into nothingness. it's like the flowers for algernon story i read in 7th grade (really, look it up). perfect example, last week we decided we'd make stir fry. awesome. i love stir fry. i know how to make brown rice. made it hundreds of times. have watched my mom make it thousands of times. easy. no problem. oh, but there was a problem.  i followed the basic instructions (like i needed them!) and poured in the rice, added water and brought to a boil. only the water boiled a lot faster than i'd expected (gas stove). so i was like oops, i'll add more water. but then there was a lot of water. whatever, i've done this before, i thought. it's cool. so an hour later, there it was. stir fry with a side of oatmeal rice glob. seriously? i mean, based on my ethnic background alone, i should know how to make rice in my sleep. that night, as i served the oatmeal rice glob, i just thought that my grandmother is looking down on me in horror and shame. rice! glob! ugh.

my husband took one look at the rice and...threw up. ok, no he didn't. maybe a little. in his mouth. but i can't be sure. no, he took a look at the rice and just said, i'm sure it'll taste good. i watched as he added more and more soy sauce to the rice, insisting, it "tastes great with some extra soy sauce."

no one ever told me that my culinary intelligence increase was also only temporary. that i'd be powerless to prevent the change. that for a moment in time, my husband would actually be better at something than me.
so here i am with oatmeal glob and my memories of of culinary delights....meanwhile, my husband made cornchip crusted halibut with a salsa cream sauce two nights ago. honestly? what happened?

so with that, honey, what are you making for dinner? seriously, all this talk has made me hungry.

going to the chapel

after many many months, i'm back. you may be wondering what in the world i was doing. well i was....

getting married!

in the final months leading up to the wedding, i fell off the face of the planet and spiraled my way into wedding planning hell (it's sort of a pergatory. between earth and hell and one stoplight from the wedding). so my days were pretty much consumed with tracking my invitations (apparently my invitation designers decided this was a good time for them to go into hibernation.), getting invitations sent (holding my mom hostage till 1 a.m. to stuff and seal envelopes), finalizing flower arrangements (which in all took approximately 40 full hours of meeting time with the florist), assembling favor boxes (also known as burning my fingers with hot glue and/or gluing my fingers together), and all types of miserable things that no bride ever imagines having to do as a part of the final wedding weeks. it was so lovely...and special.

it was all worth it because in the end, we had one hell of a party.

so yadda yadda, in the name of the father, son, and blogging spirits...i'm back.

basket head/case

ah, remember when you were little and you dreamt of your wedding. a big beautiful white dress, pretty pretty flowers, a handsome groom, and little birds singing and putting the ribbon on your dress...ok, so that was a disney movie. but whatevs. it was enchanted.

here's what people do not tell you.

1. everything gets marked up at the sheer mention of "wedding" -- somewhere between 50-100%. seriously, i should work in this business.
2. your favorite flowers won't be in season on your wedding day...and you'll be told that you're just not getting married the right time of year.
3. wedding dress sizes are designed to make you feel morbidly obese. oh you're a size 6 in real life? well that makes you a size 24 triple extra large. way to go fatty.
4. vendors won't call you back even though you're basically begging them to take your money.
5. oh and you will have nightmares starting about 3-4 months before the big day.

so for the past couple weeks my much needed beauty rest has been rudely interrupted with nightmares. wedding nightmares....and these nightmares are the ones where you feel like you are living it and there's no waking up....not the ones where you know it's a dream and just need to will yourself awake. the positive is that when you do actually wake up and the initial panic (and your bloodpressure) subsides, they are pretty funny and ridiculous. this week, i wanted to share some of my favorite nightmares. yes, i said favorite nightmares.

i'll begin with the one i had last night. i rode a bus (fancy) into dc for my wedding and the entire time was talking so random person about all the details (this doesn't seem so odd as i will talk to anyone who's willing to listen). i get to the hotel only it's not my hotel and all the guests are there. i ask my mom what time it is and she says 2:30pm which means i've missed my ceremony. but upon looking at the clock it's just 9am which only means that i should still be getting ready (and that my mom doesn't know how to tell time). i rush to some basement where i find my bridesmaids...only 3 of them. they inform me that the others had other plans and won't be able to make it. no hair/makeup people have arrived so i'm instantly thinking of who i can call on a 9am on saturday to come to the hotel and get us ready. oh and in looking in the mirror, i realize i forgot to order my veil.....soooooooo, i'm wearing a basket on my head. perfect.

others are along the same lines -- people not showing up, being late, forgetting it was my wedding day. in one of my other favorite nightmares, i am at the church ready to go only my parents haven't arrived. they finally get there. my brother runs in to meet up with the other groomsmen and my mom rushes in. apparently my dad is the only one that didn't get the memo that it's a wedding as he is wearing a button down and khakis. we go into the foyer of the church and people have already started the cocktail hour. so i'm standing there in my wedding dress begging people to go sit down for the ceremony. my dad and i start to walk towards the church doors and i realize i can't see anything. no i'm not blind but my blusher is apparently made of blackout fabric. ok, not quite but i can't see anything. so i pull it off and see my fiance's friends in the back of the church drinking beer and eating hot dogs (this actually might happen on the wedding day). i immediately start grabbing the beers and throwing them out. then! i start to walk down the aisle and there's no groom. no, we get to the alter and i have to wait for my fiance to walk down the aisle.

the last category of nightmares is just having the wedding day arrive and i'm still mid-planning. this means, that i either haven't ordered flowers and am rushing to whole foods to buy flowers for centerpieces and bouquets or i'm still planning and it's the wedding day only i didn't realize it so i've missed the ceremony and i'm asking if people can just come back tomorrow. do over, please.

see, ridiculous right? kind of like those first day of school nightmares...only this time, you're wearing a wedding dress and a basket on your head. how fashion forward. if you see it on the runways next season, just remember you heard it here first.

the b(log) is back.

ok people, i am back! i took a brief hiatus to attend weddings, take care of engagement photos, and go to vegas to celebrate bachelorettehood (and, i realize that's not even a real word). it's all done and i'm back to the things that really matter....blogging!

i can see your halo...halo halo

so i started off my week coming off a great weekend! saturday was my bridal shower! at a winery! what better send off to married life then 6 hours spent drinking wine with my friends and family. no, seriously, we were there for 6 hours. even mother nature decided to show. after about 8 days of non-stop rain, she apparently decided it was time for some sunshine…and a sunburn on my shoulder. thanks for that by the way. can i also say that even though i was fully aware that it was my bridal shower, and that i'm engaged to be married (i stare at my ring everyday as a reminder), i still can’t believe that it was really my bridal shower and that i'm getting married. as in married married. like a grownup. does this mean i'm old?

mother's day on sunday was spent with me sleeping at my parents house. when i finally awoke from my brief hibernation, it was time to get things cooking and ready for our bbq. and by that i mean that i basically sat in the kitchen and watched my mom prep food while i started putting together favor boxes. that was probably not a wise move as i spent the next two days obsessed with assembling and gluing boxes. and despite my mother's offer to help, i decided that i had to do it myself. i wouldn't have ever considered myself a control freak but now with this whole favor box situation, i believe there's a possibility i am (maybe that's why i've always hated group projects). so with about 70 boxes down, i only have 130 to go. yessss! someone explain to me why i thought this was going to be a good idea.

on a similarly sad and pathetic note, i spent the first half of the week without my favorite companion – mango….my beloved car (i named him after the chris kattan character from snl due to my car’s constant need for attention and love). yes, mango spent a few days in intensive care given the recent check engine light debacle. anyway, in the meantime, my dad graciously offered me use of his car – a nice lexus SUV, which i’ve driven only once before for maybe 10 minutes, nine of which were spent finding the emergency brake. i figured that it would be a great test drive. i’ve always wanted an SUV and now i know why (earmuffs, mango). my first morning drive into work, i felt like a celebrity…people were waving (granted it was a schoolbus full of 3rd graders but they were waving nonetheless). halo was playing on the radio and as i sang along, even my voice sounded better (it must have better acoustics or maybe it was just magic, i can’t decide…seriously, beyonce, call me. we can record a track inside the car). i struggled with the size a little. i'm not used to being so so so high up…it was like i was in a monster truck rally. ah, but i felt so powerful. get out of my way little ant people. watch out you “sedans”. in any case, it doesn't matter how great it felt to drive the suv because mango is back...and i don't think that my dad could have been in more of a hurry to drop it off and pick up his car. he's [mango] doing great. relaxed and refreshed...oh if we could all just take vacations willy nilly. so now i'm still driving to work singing halo at the top of my lungs but my voice just doesn't sound as good. [sighhh]. there goes my record deal and duet with beyonce.

rain rain go away!

it's been raining nonstop in the dc metro area and i think that the weather along with the fact that people simply cannot drive in this area when there is a drop of rain has made me pretty irritable this week. seriously, i worked from home the other day and was feeling fine but then i had to run an errand. after 5 minutes on the road, i was right back to where i started -- a cranky, mean, ticking timebomb just waiting to scream expletives at people from the inside of my car. yes, i was that woman you saw in your rear view mirror. the one shaking her fist and ranting at rapid speed like a modern day ricky ricardo. it wasn't pretty.

so with that, this week i'd like to highlight all things that have been basically pissing me off.

1. parking lot lady. i'd like to have this lady's license revoked. citizen's arrest! god, i wish i did that. this woman drove about one mile an hour while making a turn into the shopping center before deciding to just stop upon entering the parking lot. just stop. no cars, no people, no visible sign of anything that would prompt a stop. it's as though halfway through pulling into the lot she forgot why she was there.
2. stupid store woman. i think this same lady was in front of me in line at the store. she was buying her items one at a time. yes, that is correct. ONE..ITEM...AT...A...TIME. putting an item on the counter. running her card. signing the receipt. and then putting another item on the counter. i wanted to throw my shoes at her head.
3. kelly from real housewives of new york. someone explain to me why she is on this show...besides to raise my blood pressure. i think my favorite quote from her this week is "it's not like i wake up every morning and say i'm so lucky [long pause] everybody look at me. i'm like oh my god i'm so lucky....how did i get here." i'm pretty sure that is the same thing. i hope columbia has changed their admission requirements because i'm a little embarrassed for them. ugh, why do i watch that show? god, i can't wait for the reunion!
4. check engine light on my car. what the hell is the check engine light? does it mean my car is going to explode? and why is it that one minute i'm driving along and my car doesn't have a care in the world and the next second, it's beaming the indicator in my face like it's a do or die situation. when will they invent a car that isn't so needy? don't i change the oil?? ....ok, so it's due for one but i definitely fill it up with gas every week. what more do you want from me, machine?!

ok, so maybe i wasn't so ricky ricardo after all. i only listed four things! i probably just forgot the other things that made me mad....they're right, your memory really does start to go as you get closer to 30. god help me when i'm actually in my 30s. i'll have to carry around a little card with my name and phone number...kind of like when i was 5. sad.
on the upside of things -- my wedding dress fit this past weekend. it zipped! hooray. so praying while walking at super fast speed on the treadmill is working! hallelujah! oh wait! i remembered another thing that pissed me off this week. the wedding dress owner coming up to me, grabbing my upper thigh/hip area, and telling me it's just "meat" and that i'd be able to lose it. hmmmm, thank you?
god, i hope the sun comes out soon.

orange bear claws

so i took the plunge and after months (yes, months) of debating whether or not to spray tan, i finally did it.

gone are the days of the tanning bed. now that my premature wrinkles and fine lines are starting to surface, it's time to get serious (honestly, what happened? how is it that you go from 21 to feeling like you look like 40 overnight? and i'm not talking about jennifer aniston 40 because that is just ridiculous and fantastic and beyond the realm of possibility in my world.) anyway, yes, spray tanning. so i interviewed friends, read about it online, researched tips and horror stories, and finally thought it was time. i marched over to the tanning salon, filled out my quiz that told me what level of tan i apparently can handle, and was convinced to somehow try to the ultra new, mega awesome spray tan that promised no signs of orange. and hell, i even invested in the gel to "amplify" my tan.

i carefully listened to the girl (who was probably 21, damn her) explain each of the 4 tanning positions i was to take. i practiced the "bear claw" to ensure that my hands were tanned properly and after feverishly rubbing lotion into my cuticles, i was ready.

there i was waiting for the spray machine, holding my breath so as to not inhale the toxic fumes (i'm assuming they're toxic but then again, if they're going onto my skin, they can't be that bad, right? please?). not knowing what to expect, i held my breath and held my breath, all the while wondering, am i getting sprayed right now? is the mist so fine i can't feel it? ok, maybe i can breathe for a minute. and just then, just as i took in a nice big breath of oxygen...SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAY. uh oh, i wasn't ready! ok hurry, up, get it together. BEAR CLAWS! btw - this machine even dried you off. great, right? no guess work or wondering if you just rubbed off your $35 tan. i leave the salon and think, i'm not tan, this sucks. but over the course of the night, my skin started to glow more and more.

then i woke up in the a.m.

i slowly opened my eyes, threw my legs over the bed and looked down at them. my first thought. "omg, i'm orange." now i realize i'm not a "regular tanner" but my guess is that that is not the first reaction i should be going for. i make my way to the bathroom to put in my contacts and as i start to wash my hands, i notice that on the side, i have what looks like the beginnings of a michael jackson skin disorder (flashback to the neutrogena self tanner incident of 2003). what the hell? i did the bear claw, i flexed my arm to the side, i did everything as instructed. i stood in the bathroom re-enacting the bear claw and i believe i discovered my fatal flaw. i flexed too much! i OVER bear clawed. they never said that was possible but leave it to me to discover that it, in fact, IS possible.

it's not all bad, my face looks great. i look like a bronze goddess...or so i think. i mean i could look like i have a big orange gobstopper head. who knows?

so as i sit here and wonder if i look more like the lady from something about mary or kim kardishian, i know one thing for certain – i can’t wait to do it again (after practicing the bear claw in my bathroom many times i think i've mastered it. besides, who doesn't love a challenge?) tanorexia, here i come.

if the dress fits...

so the wedding is officially five months away.

the save the dates have been sent, the cake has been selected, and we've completed 2 weeks of marriage prep.

some good news first, i did not have to hand address the envelopes for the save the dates (hooray). i successfully figured out how to create labels...well success is a relative term. it's more along the lines of "despite the valiant efforts of MS Word to sabotage me". why is it that i don't have a personal assistant or intern in my life to help me with these things? when do i become THAT successful? sighhhhh. ok, in any case, i'm just so relieved they've been been sent...and even more excited that i have another 100 of them in my house (so, the quantities came in 100, 250, 500 and because i had to mail out over 100 of them, i had to order 250. hence, the 100 save the date roommates with whom i'm currently sharing my place).

next, the cake. we've picked out two yummy flavors and i'm hoping that the coloring turns out. it's kind of disconcerting when the baker says, "we'll try our best to get it that color"...doesn't that kind of alarm anyone else? as in, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't but in the end it's not our problem, lady. what if i said that at my workplace? "listen, maybe it'll get done, maybe it won't. that's just the risk we're going to have to take." i'll have to try out that line the next time i want to get fired. in any case, i have my fingers crossed that little old woman at the bakery will get it right. let us pray....

ooh, what a great transition to the marriage prep. this is where i have to deliver some bad news. apparently, our group is a "trust tree"...at least that is what my fiance keeps insisting...so i cannot share the awesome stories i have about these classes. but do not fret. i'll write about it in my tell all book in 15-20 years (there has to be some kind of trust tree expiration date, right?) so really stay tuned...

alright alright, let's move on. my dress is here! a month early! so why am i so frightened to pick it up? ok, a couple reasons -- 1) what if it doesn't fit? a few months ago, i made the error of ordering a size down. why is it that there is this pressure to be heidi klum? ok so maybe that's just me but she's gorgeous, right? so yes, i ordered a size down and i have nightmares that even if by some miracle of god (afterall, i have been attending church, i should be in his good graces at this point) i do fit into it, will i be able to sit down in it? imagine this, i get into the dress, look completely slammin', take some photos, and bend down to slide my shoes on (which also arrived this week and are ridiculous. i'm in love) and rrrriiiiip. oh as i write this i get that yucky drop in the pit of my stomach. i will need to be praying harder in church. and walking faster on the treadmill. actually, praying while i'm walking at super speed on the treadmill. ok, reason 2) there is no reason number 2. reason 1 trumps any other reason i could think of. well, all this thinking about exercising is making me hungry. hmmm, when's lunch?

let them eat cake!

hello! it's my first blog (so much pressure). i figured that my first week should start with something about me...as will probably my second, third, fourth blog and so on.

with my wedding coming up in september, there are a few big related things to discuss this week.

first, it's save the date time. they've arrived! hooray. but now comes the task of addressing all of them. hand addressing the engagement party invites was a mistake...not to be repeated. but as i say this, i have a sinking feeling that i will in fact be handwriting those save the date beauties. this is what happens when you still have your college printer from 10 years ago. god, college was 10 years ago? that's depressing.

on a related note, i'd like to go on the record and say that i do not approve of the save the date acronym which is so prominently used in the wedding world ...brace yourself....STD. that is awful isn't it? i'd rather just spell out the whole thing. it's worth it. i'm ashamed i had to even write it (on my first blog, too!) let's pretend it didn't happen.

next up is marriage prep class. for a non-catholic (and someone who really doesn't have a firm religious affiliation), this is a big deal. six weeks of classes. yeah, six weeks. i have to say, i'm a little nervous. i don't know a whole lot and am a little weary of getting into the whole religion thing. i mean, i'm not ready. i don't have all the facts. what if they ask me about jesus? (yes i'm imagining a round robin of jesus questions) what if we have to share our favorite passage or something? i think the hardest part of tonight will be the introductions when i basically have to announce to the group that i'm not catholic...i'm picturing this moment as when everything goes black and there is one spotlight in my face followed by a choir singing something ominous. [gulp] stay tuned.

lastly, i'm excited to say that the part of the planning phase i've looked forward to the most has arrived. cake tasting! (forgive me dress shopping, you were my favorite too). so yes, this weekend, i will be "sampling" sweet treats...which brings to mind a couple questions -- how big are my samples? will they give us cake to take home? why did i order my dress a size smaller? i hope the cake is delicious because let's be honest, that's the best part of a wedding right? i mean aside from the music and drinks and blessed union. ah, let them eat cake!