and this little piggy is feeling blue...

last week was painful. physically. no i wasn't overworked or overstressed. no no, none of that. you see, my little pinky toe was in physical pain. in fact, it was blue...and purple....and swollen. it was gross. to understand how i got here, we have to travel back to earlier this month when i went to ann taylor.

while at ann taylor, foolishly convincing myself that i needed more things to jam into my already stuffed sausage of a closet, i encountered these beauties:

va va va voom.

little did i know that these shoes were cursed (yes, CURSED!)...BUT gosh, they really are pretty, right?

at first, it was all love and rainbows with these shoes. they made my legs look miles long, they went with everything, and they're patent leather. i mean, who doesn't love a good patent heel? one day, while at work, i was returning from a meeting. it was late afternoon and most sane people had already left for the day. so i get to my floor and as i round the corner for my office, my heel catches in the forsaken carpet and splat! i fall literally on my face and my stack of papers goes flying. i mean, FLYING...EVERYWHERE. quickly, i scan the hall. no one saw (other than the security guard i'm sure. i wonder where they hide their cameras anyway). so next, i assess the damage -- one of my shoes is about 5 feet behind me (it flew off like it was trying to escape the crime scene), my tights are still intact (thank goodness for these small blessings) but my palms are red and slightly scraped and it feels like i broke both my kneecaps (but i can walk so clearly, nothing is broken). i gather my papers and my rogue shoe and scurry to my office. i get home, remove the tights only to find two enormous red-but-on-the-verge-of-purple bruises on each knee (how symmetrical). overnight, they transform to purple/black bruises. i temporarily retired the shoes.

but like any addict, i couldn't stay away long. a few weeks later, i was back in them...and walking very slowly. so i wore them a few days in a row..despite the throbbing that was now coming from my poor pinky toe. the little guy was screaming for mercy and, being cold and heartless, i ignored its pleas...until one day when i couldn't ignore it anymore. i took a look and found that my cute, scarred (i had surgery on the toe 7 years ago due to a pointy toe shoe incident) little baby toe had about tripled in size and was purple. immediately, i iced it, threw my patent shoes to the darkest corner of my closet, and prayed to the sweet lord above that the toe wouldn't fall off.

 i love you...i hate you...

i made an appt with the doctor and wore uggs everyday until then as penance (yes, even to work!)

ok quick sidenote since i mentioned it. now i'm pretty together when i go to work. and for this one week i wore black uggs with my outfits bc these pillow like, bear claw boots were the only ones that could comfortably accomodate the throbbing, swollen, angry monster that my pinky toe had become. one morning, as i was headed towards my office, i ran into my coworker who clearly gave me a complete once over followed by a look of disgust. yes, horror of horrors, i wore uggs to the office. BUT BUT BUT, i think when you yourself are wearing pants that are too short for you and white socks with black shoes (and you're a woman!!!), you shouldn't cast any stones (you know, given that you live in your glass and, clearly, fashionably challenged, house). ok, but i digress.

the doctor, who oddly reminds me of kirsten johnston (from 3rd rock from the sun fame), doesn't scold me for wearing high heels or try to convince me to wear orthopedics and care for my body. no no, instead she sings about how i have a big fat toe (i love her already) and we decide to shoot it up with some cortisone (YESSSSS! STEROIDS! LOVE IT!)  we decide that we're going to skip the anesthesia and just try to inject the toe with cortisone (i omitted some other gross details because,well, you would stop reading). so the nurse comes in and says, i think you might need to hold my hand. i'm like oh haha, that's sweet...meanwhile i'm clasping her hand and squeezing it for dear life.....all before the needle is even in my toe. ok, so needle in toe...skip ahead to cortisone injection and as the doctor switches the vial that is attached to the needle, the needle itself digs further into the toe at which point i SCREAM holy s! did i mention that this office is internal med + PEDIATRICS. i just imagine a little kid hearing me scream from the other side of the door. traumatic much? you're welcome for life, kiddo.

pre-coritisone shot

post-cortisone stabbing...i mean injection.

we wrap the toe and i'm back at the work. the past week, i've been elevating the toe, applying a heating pad, and wrapping it in its little cottonball/medical tape outfit. it's sad. my toe is still bruised but not longer swollen. no it just looks (and feels) defeated. and all for a pair of killer patent leather heels. hmmmmm, that reminds me...i wonder when i can wear them again???

...i love you...i miss you. this cautionary tale was lost on me.